Reality Bytes and Pieces

Oral Sex And Pot Linked To Cancer - “Certain head and neck cancers may be tied to sexual activity, marijuana use, and human papillomavirus (HPV ) type 16…”

Lard-ass Mafioso Can’t Fit in Jail Cell - “A suspected Mafia clan member weighing 210 kilogrammes (460 pounds) was placed under house arrest after putting too heavy a burden on prison staff, Italian press reports said Wednesday…”

The Internet is for Porn, Not Voting - “Former prime minister of Poland Jaroslaw Kaczynski told members of his conservative party that people should not be allowed to vote online because the Internet attracts those who like to watch porn while drinking beer…”

Bride Murders Stinky-feet Husband - “A Chinese bride burnt her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his feet, state media reported on Wednesday…”

Naked Mayoral Candidate ”Gets Off” - “The San Francisco mayoral candidate who played his guitar naked atop a van outside the San Mateo Event Center during the Democratic Straw Poll last fall escaped a misdemeanor conviction yesterday after jurors disagreed about how many people are needed to constitute a public nuisance…”

UPS Now Goes Both Ways - “United Parcel Service Inc., the world’s largest shipping carrier, said Tuesday its expanded its supplier diversity program to include businesses owned by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender merchants…”

Fat People Are Good Indicators of Impending Economic Doom - Plus-size marketer Erin Moloney says, “[P]lus-size and discount consumers typically cut back on spending early in an economic crunch.” If you see fat people wearing last year’s fashions, it’s time to stock up on canned goods.

Ex-boyfriend Shoots Woman in the Cooch - “Police said a woman was shot in the vagina at her Palmetto Bay home Monday night…” Talk about “beaver hunting.”

Chinese Mom Chops-off Husband’s Wanker, Puts It in Bed with Son - “A Chinese woman killed her husband in his sleep, cut off his penis and placed it in the bed of their six year old son as a warning to him not to be unfaithful…” That’ll send the kid a message he’ll never forget. I hope mom left a microscope.

Michael Bolton Almost Gets Naked for Charity - The best thing he did for this charity ad was keeping his trenchcoat on while his wife, Nicollette Sheridan bared her ass. The lucky beneficiaries of the semi-nude couple’s charitable act — Paul Newmann’s Hole in the Wall Gang Camp.

Old, Black “Bitches” Get No Love - “To the uninitiated, the idea seems so strange — doggie discrimination? But among those in animal rescue circles, the phenomenon is commonplace enough to have earned its own name: “black dog syndrome…’” 

Homosexual Candidate Predicted to Run for Prez in 2012 - “The GLBT political groups ought to make it a priority to find the best Republican and Democratic candidates to run next time around. Aside from the historical aspect, it would be amazing publicity. Each time a gay candidate walked on stage to debate, it would be worth millions of dollars of free advertising for the GLBT movement. I can’t think of a better investment and use of our advocacy dollars…” What’s the matter, Hillary doesn’t qualify?

Botswana: Still No Condoms for Prisoners - “Although there have been reported cases of prisoners engaging in unlawful sexual activities that expose them to the risk of HIV/AIDS, prison authorities insist they cannot distribute condoms to inmates…”

Latvia approves Nazi march - “A Latvian parliamentary official said authorities in the capital of Riga have approved an event to honor Latvians who fought alongside the Nazis. The authorities gave their approval to veterans group Daugavas Vanagi to stage a March 16 street march to commemorate former Latvian soldiers that fought for the Nazis and Waffen-SS during World War II, RIA Novosti, a Russian news agency, reported Friday…” Nothing like re-kindling the flames of hate when things are starting to get back on track for this former Soviet-bloc nation.

U.C. Berkeley Student Newspaper Extols the Virtues of Internet Porn - “The thing is, we learn a lot from porn. I don’t mean where babies come from-I’m talking about everything they don’t teach you in sex-ed: in other words, the good stuff. Sure, a lot of that comes from hearsay (read: your friends’ older siblings), but chances are you’ve also picked up a technique or two from your good pal, the Internet…”

Lesbian dodgeball, anyone? - I would have thought the “Flaming Moe’s” would be title contenders, but I guess there’s some fierce competition in this lesbian dodgeball league.

Obama Doesn’t Appeal to “Archie Bunker” Voters - “‘Race played a significant factor in Ohio,’ said Cuyahoga County (Ohio) Commissioner Timothy Hagan, who supported Obama. ‘These people are not necessarily bigots, but the image they see every day of black America is drugs, crime, guns and violence…’” Blacks had nothing to do with promoting that negative stereotype (Insert sarcasm). And, when there are smart black guys on television, they call them “Urkel” and “Carlton Banks” and mock them as being weak and sell-outs to their race as blacks laugh approvingly. But go ahead, blame the white media and entertainment industry for portraying blacks in a negative light. Rapper 50-Cent is really just a clean-cut, decent guy whose gangsta personna was created by white recording industry executives to sell albums, right?

Austrian City Seeks Naked People - If you’re willing to drop your trousers, then Vienna awaits your arrival — and, the national railway will provide free transportation for 2,008 willing participants in a naked artistic exposition.

Squirrels Harass Owl In Buffalo Grove - A peaceful neighborhood was so disturbed in the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday that residents called the police to investigate, only to find two squirrels harassing an owl. Taxpayer dollars hard at work. God bless America and the idiots who live in the “home of the brave.”

An Israeli rabbi has given the green light to women who feel their safety is in jeopardy to kill their would-be attackers at first strike.

“In either word or deed, fight him off. Yell out loud so that everyone can hear you. If he touches you, slap him,” declared Beit El Chief Rabbi Shlomo Aviner. “If he attempts to do worse, and there is no other choice, you can kill him…yes, kill him,” Ynetnews.com reports.

Females concerned about violating Israeli law need not worry, because Aviner claims the judicial system is on their side.

“A young man broke into a woman’s apartment and wanted to have his way with her. She killed him and the court ruled that in this instance she had the right to use reasonable force in order to defend herself, and that her actions were justified,” Aviner said reassuringly in support of his advice for women to take the law into their own hands.

Call me crazy, but placed in such an unfortuante situation, wouldn’t your first instinct be to lace up your Nikes and run really fast? Then, if a potential attacker or rapist catches you — kill him. I just don’t trust an Israeli court to always condone the murder of an “alleged” attacker or rapist because we all know how crafty criminal defense attorneys are, no matter where they practice law.

I totally support the right to defend yourself in your own home, but when confronted — or have the perception of being confronted — on the street , it’s hard to determine if the reaction was in response to an actual action or anticipated action. If you think someone’s going to attack you, I still say run first. Again, I just don’t trust a court of my so-called peers to deem my actions justifiable versus ruling in favor of the defendant with a slick attorney.

This is how we do it - A nice pictorial of African soldiers who have watched one-too-many bad American movies involving gangbangers gettin’ it done on the streets.

You’re cut-off, fatty! - Is your tubby kid watching too much Teletubbies? A nifty new device will turn of the tube when Tubby’s been sitting on his ass eating cookies for too long.

Saudi uncle beheads toddler in supermarket - “‘He chopped off the boy’s head in front of the mother to get back at her,’ a police officer was quoted as saying. The mother fainted and was taken to hospital…”

Catholic Seminary Tackles Drug and Porn Addictions - “As a member of the executive committee of the Religious Affiliation Against Pornography, Mr Nicolakis presented some fascinating and disturbing facts. One of the most scandalous was that when religious gatherings occur in hotels there is usually a marked increase in the amount of pornography ordered…”

I’ll have a “melon squeezer” - The residents of Dawson County, Neb. are steaming mad that a so-called “juice bar” wants to open shop in their town. What’s the big stink about? It’s gonna be a nude juice bar.

Georgia to scare kids skinny - “Georgia’s elementary school children will be weighed and measured twice a year by school officials under a bill that passed the Senate Friday. The legislation requires schools to track kids’ body mass index, a combination of height and weight used to determine whether the child is healthy…”

Court Leaves Gay Porn Stars Homeless - “The court sided with a local homeowner’s association on Thursday that sued to stop an X-rated Web cam business operating out of a house on the block…”

Hitler, Frankenstein, Romeo, Newton in Indian election race - “The run up to Monday’s elections in Meghalaya may have been lacklustre but there is no dearth of candidates with names like Hitler, Frankenstein, Hilarious, Romeo, Clever, Newton, Moonlight and Chamberlaine…”

Aussie Juvenile Delinquents Have More Fun - “Juvenile delinquents had a ’sex romp’ at a detention centre after staff accidentally left security doors unlocked. Boys were able to sneak into a girls’ dormitory at the Don Dale centre in Darwin after dark…”

There’s nothing quite as embarrassing as finding out that one of your employees is a child pornography connoisseur, especially if you’re a mainstream media giant.

While the Chicago Tribune should be applauded for showing humility by running an article about their disgraced employee, the managing editor sure didn’t need to give the final word in its article to the attorney defending the sicko employee as someone who “has the love and support of his family … [is] a hard-working individual … led an exemplary life.”

Kinda sounds like the Chicago Tribune might think their guy is innocent, or is trying to influence public opinion and potential jurors.

I just snotted in your food - The Washington, D.C. restaurant association must be mighty pissed-off by this ad.

Hey kids! Wanna play TSA asshats? - When I grow up, I wanna be an annoying high school dropout on a power trip.

Aussie military to mimic The Village People - 80 festive soldiers in the Australian armed forces will participate in Sydney’s predominantly gay-themed Mardi Gras parade for the first time on Sunday. Ain’t that just fab?

Middle school kids swap nude cellphone camera pix - Should I be surprised that the kids live in Alabama? I just hope they weren’t cousins or brother and sister.

Identical Twin Gay Porn Actors Allegedly Double as Burglars - “A pair of twin cat burglars have been arrested in connection with a rooftop break-in of a South Philadelphia business. Their side-line: starring in gay porn videos…”

Restroom Romeo Seeks Summer Intern - “For those interested in politics, it is an incredible opportunity to get a behind-the-scenes look at how our government functions while serving the people of Idaho,” says disgraced Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) in his Feb. 26 press release.

Shove SpongeBob up your kid’s ass! - That’s not my suggestion, but that’s the general idea of the SpongeBob digital thermometer which plays the cartoon’s theme song at the end of temperature taking.