Reality Bytes and Pieces

Oral Sex And Pot Linked To Cancer - “Certain head and neck cancers may be tied to sexual activity, marijuana use, and human papillomavirus (HPV ) type 16…”

Lard-ass Mafioso Can’t Fit in Jail Cell - “A suspected Mafia clan member weighing 210 kilogrammes (460 pounds) was placed under house arrest after putting too heavy a burden on prison staff, Italian press reports said Wednesday…”

The Internet is for Porn, Not Voting - “Former prime minister of Poland Jaroslaw Kaczynski told members of his conservative party that people should not be allowed to vote online because the Internet attracts those who like to watch porn while drinking beer…”

Bride Murders Stinky-feet Husband - “A Chinese bride burnt her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his feet, state media reported on Wednesday…”

Naked Mayoral Candidate ”Gets Off” - “The San Francisco mayoral candidate who played his guitar naked atop a van outside the San Mateo Event Center during the Democratic Straw Poll last fall escaped a misdemeanor conviction yesterday after jurors disagreed about how many people are needed to constitute a public nuisance…”

UPS Now Goes Both Ways - “United Parcel Service Inc., the world’s largest shipping carrier, said Tuesday its expanded its supplier diversity program to include businesses owned by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender merchants…”

Fat People Are Good Indicators of Impending Economic Doom - Plus-size marketer Erin Moloney says, “[P]lus-size and discount consumers typically cut back on spending early in an economic crunch.” If you see fat people wearing last year’s fashions, it’s time to stock up on canned goods.

Ex-boyfriend Shoots Woman in the Cooch - “Police said a woman was shot in the vagina at her Palmetto Bay home Monday night…” Talk about “beaver hunting.”

Chinese Mom Chops-off Husband’s Wanker, Puts It in Bed with Son - “A Chinese woman killed her husband in his sleep, cut off his penis and placed it in the bed of their six year old son as a warning to him not to be unfaithful…” That’ll send the kid a message he’ll never forget. I hope mom left a microscope.

This is how we do it - A nice pictorial of African soldiers who have watched one-too-many bad American movies involving gangbangers gettin’ it done on the streets.

You’re cut-off, fatty! - Is your tubby kid watching too much Teletubbies? A nifty new device will turn of the tube when Tubby’s been sitting on his ass eating cookies for too long.

Saudi uncle beheads toddler in supermarket - “‘He chopped off the boy’s head in front of the mother to get back at her,’ a police officer was quoted as saying. The mother fainted and was taken to hospital…”

Catholic Seminary Tackles Drug and Porn Addictions - “As a member of the executive committee of the Religious Affiliation Against Pornography, Mr Nicolakis presented some fascinating and disturbing facts. One of the most scandalous was that when religious gatherings occur in hotels there is usually a marked increase in the amount of pornography ordered…”

I’ll have a “melon squeezer” - The residents of Dawson County, Neb. are steaming mad that a so-called “juice bar” wants to open shop in their town. What’s the big stink about? It’s gonna be a nude juice bar.

Georgia to scare kids skinny - “Georgia’s elementary school children will be weighed and measured twice a year by school officials under a bill that passed the Senate Friday. The legislation requires schools to track kids’ body mass index, a combination of height and weight used to determine whether the child is healthy…”

Court Leaves Gay Porn Stars Homeless - “The court sided with a local homeowner’s association on Thursday that sued to stop an X-rated Web cam business operating out of a house on the block…”

Hitler, Frankenstein, Romeo, Newton in Indian election race - “The run up to Monday’s elections in Meghalaya may have been lacklustre but there is no dearth of candidates with names like Hitler, Frankenstein, Hilarious, Romeo, Clever, Newton, Moonlight and Chamberlaine…”

Aussie Juvenile Delinquents Have More Fun - “Juvenile delinquents had a ’sex romp’ at a detention centre after staff accidentally left security doors unlocked. Boys were able to sneak into a girls’ dormitory at the Don Dale centre in Darwin after dark…”

Invest now in “Ewok Village” - “If you been dreaming of picking up roots, living on the edge, or literally going out on a limb in terms of eco-lifestyle possibilities, then Finca Bellavista: A Sustainable Rainforest Community might be just the thing for you…”

Obese Brits Can’t Stomach “Fat Tax” - “Britain’s biggest life insurer, Legal & General, confirmed that 13% of new applicants face paying the higher premiums, which apply to anyone with a body mass index of 30 or higher, the point at which people are declared medically obese. The increased charge can be up to 400% if you fall into other high-risk categories, such as being a smoker or having previous medical conditions…”

Finding, taming your inner ‘ghetto’ - “Ghetto is no longer where you live … It is how you live. It’s a state of mind. And I’m here to tell you it’s a mind-set that celebrates the worst,” said Cora Daniels, a journalist and author who was inspired to write the book, “Ghettonation: A Journey into the Land of Bling and Home of the Shameless…”

Wassup with this white girl? - Seems like she’s possessed by the ghost of Tupac. And, what’s she so pissed-off about? Regardless, she’s the future of America if something doesn’t “change,” Mr. Obama!

Robot sex scene breached broadcast rules - An Australian broadcasting company apparently violated some decency laws by featuring humans “interacting” with mechanical devices.

Website Helps Prankers, Stalkers and Predators Dial Anonymously - Change your voice and make the caller ID show it’s from a trusted friend, etc. Not sure how this company manages to stay in business. It’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

No Friends? No Problem! - Your “fake buddy” will make you look popular, even if you’re a loser.

Still friendless? - Give the “Popularity Dialer” a shot and your cellphone will be ringing whenever you feel the need to look important while standing alone in the corner at a party.

No black friends? - Fo-shizzle, mah nizzle! Here’s a service that’ll give you some street cred.

Still looking for black friends? - When you just don’t have the time to make friends with black people, you can always trying buying their friendship.

Tired of meeting nice people? - Why not explore the wonderful and dangerous world of prison dating?

Don’t want your date to run away? - Well, that won’t be a problem if you try dating an amputee.

Corky needs love, too! - This website is the “E-Harmony” of the “differently abled” world.

Read my lips! - Tired of listening to your date and engaging in meaningless small talk?

Love is blind - Good excuse to use your hands on the first date.

Date your cousin - This l’il redneck honkey tonk is gonna git you some down-home lovin’.

Meet the racist of your dreams! - If you’re white, hate everyone who’s not, and only date within your race, look no further.

These Jews mean business - This ain’t just a dating website for Jews — it’s a marriage-minded dating website, so come prepared and don’t forget to bring some hard candy for your future mother-in-law.

Atheists who belive in love - Just remember, you won’t get a nice Christmas present from an atheist.

Date with “the Force” - There’s just something sexy about dating a Jedi!

Witchy women - She’ll cast a spell on you .. and, you’ll like it!

Pimply computer geeks - Time to get your game on, nerds!

Hogs and Heffers - That’s not bacon you’re smelling! It’s the man or woman of your dreams.

Small things with big packages? - Midgets need love, too!

Hello, up there! - Get out the step-ladder! It’s gonna be a long climb before for that first kiss.

Flip-a-coin - For those not sure if they’d like to date a man or woman. One way or another, “Bicupid’s” gonna shoot you in the ass.

You’ve been very bad! - If you’re coming out of an abusive relationship and enjoyed it, this is the place for you.

Handsome “womyn” aplenty - If it looks like a man, talks like a man and acts like a man, it’s probably just a really handsome butch lesbian looking for love on this website.

Hairy homosexuals - Find the Wookie of your dreams!

Let’s just be friends - Looking for love without sex? Join a monastery or try this website.

Graze for love - Meet without meat.

Sore losers - Just because you have herpes doesn’t mean you can’t be a winner in the game of love!

Magic Johnsons - Keep on playing until the game’s over.

Damaged Goods - Meet happy people with every STD imaginable.

Honk if you’re horny - Ever been in the back of a big rig? Here’s your chance to get some truck stop lovin’.

Studly Morticians Pose for 2008 Calendar - If they get to see you in the buff when you’re dead, I guess it’s fair game … if that sort of stuff interests you.

Judge Upholds Proper Urinal Etiquette “Law” - Bravo! It’s always good to see a judge uphold a man’s right to privacy while standing at a urinal. The moral of the story is that it’s okay to punch someone if they’re peeping while you’re going pee-pee.

Fat People Who Quit Caring - If you’re fat and tired of trying to be skinny, or maybe you just never tried at all … well, this is the organization for you to get up off of your fat ass and join!

TheHealthyProstate.com - So, you’re considering “prostate milking?” WTF people!!! $25 annual membership fee for this website that teaches your lover how to “milk” your prostate, or do it on your own.

Fat Mom, Dead Kid - This is what happens when you put booze, an obese mom and a two-year-old boy in a room together. Talk about making your kids pancakes…

Extinction by Obesity Spares Taxpayers - Study claims, “Although effective obesity prevention leads to a decrease in costs of obesity-related diseases, this decrease is offset by cost increases due to diseases unrelated to obesity in life-years gained. Obesity prevention may be an important and cost-effective way of improving public health, but it is not a cure for increasing health expenditures.” Soon, there’ll be PETA campaigns to “Save the Fatted Redneck.”

“God, you smell sexy!” - “Virtue was conceived out of our desire to provide a perfume that would allow a person to be reminded of God and their Spiritual Self, by a simple whiff of it’s fragrant essence.”

Elderly Crooner Ensures His Chest Hair for Millions - “Tom Jones, 67, whose mop of luxurious curly brown hair has made him a hit with the ladies, has had his chest hair insured - for the princely sum of £3.5million!”

Go ahead! Burn that bridge! - If you’re looking for a simple and effective way of telling your current or soon-to-be-former boss what you really think about him or her, this just might get the message across loud and clear. 

A new bill has been introduced into the Mississippi State House that would make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese customers.

“Any food establishment to which this section applies shall not be allowed to serve food to any person who is obese, based on criteria prescribed by the State Department of Health after consultation with the Mississippi Council on Obesity Prevention and Management established under Section 41-101-1 or its successor,” states House Bill No. 282. “The State Department of Health shall prepare written materials that describe and explain the criteria for determining whether a person is obese, and shall provide those materials to all food establishments to which this section applies. A food establishment shall be entitled to rely on the criteria for obesity in those written materials when determining whether or not it is allowed to serve food to any person.”

Further, the bill would allow state health inspectors to strip restaurants of their permits if found to be ”repeatedly” serving customers who don’t meet the state’s so-called obesity ”criteria.”

If enacted, it sure sounds like Mississippi restaurants would start looking like highway weigh stations for trucks as customers line-up to weigh-in before being seated. Note that almost two-thirds of the state’s citizens are considered obese by federal standards, so seating should be plentiful for skinny folks.

Looking back at the days of Prohibition, the drinkers and drunks went to underground bars and brewed their own swill.  Imagine how creative the chunksters in Mississippi would be if they were denied entry to restaurants … They’d probably hire skinny people to go to drive-thru windows and fast food joints while establishing some of the tastiest “backroom” eateries on the planet.