Reality Bytes and Pieces

Living in Chicago, Ill. is getting less and less convenient and enjoyable for law-abiding citizens thanks to a single city official who thinks he knows what’s best for those he was elected to represent.

If you live in the Windy City or have spent any time there in recent years, you’ve probably noticed that it’s a smoke-free city now. Thank Alderman Ed Smith for cleaning the air and protecting your lungs, whether you like the smoking ban or not. Approve or disapprove, that’s not really the point. Ed Smith knows what’s best for you and you should be kissing his ass for saving your life, and if you’re a smoker, for not letting you kill others with your toxic cigarette smoke.

Speaking of toxic fumes, how about that ban on spray paint cans in Chicago? Your barbecue or fence might be rusty, but Smith has bigger concerns, like preventing hoodlums from spraying graffiti on buildings and overpasses. Kudos to Ed Smith for helping ban spray paint and forcing you to travel outside of the city to a Home Depot that trusts you’ll use it properly.

Enjoy indulging in a little delicacy known as “foie gras?” Well, Ed Smith doesn’t think you should be eating goose liver because as he told reporters when he threatened to resign as Chicago Health Committee Chairman, “My professionalism, my manhood, my integrity is at stake … I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat. I don’t eat duck or anything else.”

While we’re on the topic of tasty birds, Smith doesn’t believe Chicago citizens should have the right to own chickens as pets or for harvesting their eggs. Why anyone would want to own a chicken for a pet is beyond me, but that’s not the point. Smith has his reasons for supporting the ban on chickens, and once again, you shouldn’t question his authority and sound judgment.

If you enjoy the famous taste of Chicago deep dish pizza, it might just be that the extra burst of flavor comes from those evil trans fats, and Smith would rather sacrifice the quality and taste of a national treasure if it means saving your arteries from clogging, or whatever trans fats do that’s so scary.

“People are getting the message that health is important,” Smith said when asked about Chicago potentially banning trans fats. ”These kinds of measures are important. When these things begin to pass around the country, it has the tendency to have a ripple effect.”

Imagine how many tourists attending the Olympic Games in Chicago would be disappointed if the city’s pizza joints were forced to change the recipes for their famous pizzas? Well, Smith won’t support an effort to win an Olympic bid for his city unless an Olympic-sized swimming pool is first constructed at a predominantly black (draw your own conclusions) high school in his ward (28).

“If they don’t build an Olympic-sized swimming pool, children on the West Side will not be able to participate in the Olympics. They won’t have an opportunity to practice,” Smith said. ”Children coming from Russia and Norway are practicing right now in Olympic pools. All of the medals will go elsewhere.” One can only assume that the “Tiger Woods” of swimming will quickly rise out of Chicago if Smith’s demand for a pool is granted.

On Tuesday, March 4, Smith announced his latest attempt to save his city and “protectorate” from harming themselves by proposing a ban on small plastic bags that one would ordinarily find at convenience stores.

Smith believes those little plastic bags that the majority of Americans use to store food products are the trigger mechanism for the ”most destructive force” in Chicago neighborhoods. He elaborated, “We need to use every measure that we possibly can to stop it because it is destroying our kids. It’s destroying our community. It’s destroying our race of people. It’s ridiculous.”

Of course, Smith was referring to the “dime bags” that freelance pharmaceutical salesmen use to keep their products fresh for clients, but c’mon, he’s talking about banning plastic bags that countless moms depend on to pack peanuts inside for their kids to take to school — not crack cocaine.

Ed Smith isn’t really a Nazi, but he seems to be taking a page from Hitler and company when it comes to abusing his power in a position of authority to prevent citizens from engaging in activities and possessing materials that he has deemed inappropriate.

Health Insurers Want to Use Facebook & Myspace Against You - “Litigation over an insurer’s refusal to pay health benefits for anorexia or bulimia may turn on what is revealed from the alleged sufferers’ e-mails and postings on the social networking sites MySpace and Facebook. The plaintiffs are suing in federal court in Newark, N.J., on behalf of their minor children, who have been denied benefits by Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield of New Jersey. Horizon claims that the children’s online writings, as well as journal and diary entries, could shed light on the causes of the disorders, which determines the insurer’s responsibility for payment. New Jersey law requires coverage of mental illness only if it is biologically based…”

Bozos sing food orders at drive-thrus - It’s an interesting concept, but I’m guessing there’s a good chance the drive-thru clerk will take your license plate and report you to the police for drunk driving.

Conservative Christians to Worship at Former Gay Night Club - “An iconic Midtown venue that used to be filled with shirtless gay men partying away weekends has become a conservative Christian church that refuses to rent its facility for events that feature same-sex dancing…”

All-gay summer camp for adults - “Since 1997, ‘Camp’ Camp has offered a fun and distinctive vacation for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. Camp is structured just like the sleep-away summer camp that you remember from when you were young(er)…” WTF? Maybe if I was molested by my same-sex camp counselor and enjoyed it. Does anyone recall a summer camp experience from their youth that included homosexual bonding and themes?

Need another wife? - “Welcome to SisterWives.Net. The new site for those who are interested in the concept of Polygamy…”

Obese Pets on the Rise - “According to a recent study published in the Journal of Veterinary Internal Medicine, the prevalence of obesity in dogs is between 22 and 40 percent. The reasons and the remedies for the problem seem to mirror each other across species…” Could it be that Fido is lazy and sits in front of his computer all day long playing World of Warcraft and eating cupcakes that his mommy bakes for him?

Fat Mom, Dead Kid - This is what happens when you put booze, an obese mom and a two-year-old boy in a room together. Talk about making your kids pancakes…

Extinction by Obesity Spares Taxpayers - Study claims, “Although effective obesity prevention leads to a decrease in costs of obesity-related diseases, this decrease is offset by cost increases due to diseases unrelated to obesity in life-years gained. Obesity prevention may be an important and cost-effective way of improving public health, but it is not a cure for increasing health expenditures.” Soon, there’ll be PETA campaigns to “Save the Fatted Redneck.”

“God, you smell sexy!” - “Virtue was conceived out of our desire to provide a perfume that would allow a person to be reminded of God and their Spiritual Self, by a simple whiff of it’s fragrant essence.”

Elderly Crooner Ensures His Chest Hair for Millions - “Tom Jones, 67, whose mop of luxurious curly brown hair has made him a hit with the ladies, has had his chest hair insured - for the princely sum of £3.5million!”

Go ahead! Burn that bridge! - If you’re looking for a simple and effective way of telling your current or soon-to-be-former boss what you really think about him or her, this just might get the message across loud and clear. 

Okay, here’s the headline from TIME Magazine — “HPV Causing More Oral Cancer in Men.” That tame title alluding to oral sex makes you wonder if the editor really thought he or she could put a tasteful spin on an explicit topic and spare readers from making the obvious connection between oral cancer in men and the human papillomavirus (HPV), a sexually transmitted disease that infects the genital area of men and women.

According to the report, which does an amazing job of never elaborating on exactly how men could put themselves at risk for oral cancer via a disease that’s relegated to the nether regions of both sexes, “Previous research by Gillison and others established HPV as a primary cause of the estimated 5,600 cancers that occur each year in the tonsils, lower tongue and upper throat. It’s also been known that the virus’ role in such cancers has been rising.”

Further skirting the obvious issue at hand, TIME states, “Studies suggest oral sex is associated with HPV-related oral cancers, but a cause-effect relationship has not been proved. Other researchers have suggested that even unwashed hands can spread it to the mouth as well.” The visuals are killing me! If you’re going to breach this topic, don’t dance around it and put lipstick on the pig! Tell your adult readers, “Oral sex and manual stimulation might cause oral cancer.” And, you wonder why American kids don’t know anything about STDs and prevention. Everyone’s afraid to talk about what goes on in the bedroom, or wherever these practices are taking place.

Yes, TIME, you really did a great job of doing everything possible to not delve in to the sexual practices that link oral cancer and HPV, but the visual imagery that you’ve created through your crafty use of words has left a bad taste in my mouth (pun intended).

Forget about protecting yourself against skin cancer or a nasty sunburn by applying sunscreen before swimming near a coral reef. Environmental wacktivists are claiming that the one thing sparing you from death by skin cancer threatens up to ten-percent of coral reefs across the globe. I’d elaborate on the details, but the fact is that they’re ridiculous to insist that humans stop applying sunscreen in order to spare coral reefs and sacrifice their bodies to a far more destructive and potentially fatal disease called CANCER!

 Anyone who lives near a body of water — whether it’s a lake, river, stream or ocean —  has heard the warnings about cleaning up after their pets because the feces and urine leach in to those bodies of water and raise nitrogen levels which kill underwater plant life, aquatic organisms and basically end up starving fish of oxygen. Well, I’m sure humans pissing in the water at the beach doesn’t help, but no one ever complains about that … or has ever conducted a study investigating the harmful affects of humans pissing in the water. Nah, they’d rather complain about how selfish and uncaring humans are for trying to protect themselves against the sun’s deadly UV rays which cause sunburn and, potentially, skin cancer.

 The message is clear — eco-freaks want humans to stop swimming in the water altogether because it’s not their natural habitat and, obviously, they don’t belong there unless they have gills and fins. Next, they’ll encourage waterfront locales to ban the sale of sunscreens that contain products harmful to coral reefs but necessary to protect humans against skin cancer. And, they’ll ban these (human) life-saving products, of course, before encouraging the sunscreen companies to alter their ingredients, leaving humans susceptible to sunburn and skin cancer. Humans will then feel defenseless against the sun’s deadly rays and stay out of the water, which is the ultimate goal of these self-designated protectors of the universe, or at least that’s how I envision their sinister scheme panning out to their benefit … and, oh yea, to the benefit of our defenseless coral reefs that don’t have families who would be devastated if they got stricken by cancer and died. 

A new bill has been introduced into the Mississippi State House that would make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese customers.

“Any food establishment to which this section applies shall not be allowed to serve food to any person who is obese, based on criteria prescribed by the State Department of Health after consultation with the Mississippi Council on Obesity Prevention and Management established under Section 41-101-1 or its successor,” states House Bill No. 282. “The State Department of Health shall prepare written materials that describe and explain the criteria for determining whether a person is obese, and shall provide those materials to all food establishments to which this section applies. A food establishment shall be entitled to rely on the criteria for obesity in those written materials when determining whether or not it is allowed to serve food to any person.”

Further, the bill would allow state health inspectors to strip restaurants of their permits if found to be ”repeatedly” serving customers who don’t meet the state’s so-called obesity ”criteria.”

If enacted, it sure sounds like Mississippi restaurants would start looking like highway weigh stations for trucks as customers line-up to weigh-in before being seated. Note that almost two-thirds of the state’s citizens are considered obese by federal standards, so seating should be plentiful for skinny folks.

Looking back at the days of Prohibition, the drinkers and drunks went to underground bars and brewed their own swill.  Imagine how creative the chunksters in Mississippi would be if they were denied entry to restaurants … They’d probably hire skinny people to go to drive-thru windows and fast food joints while establishing some of the tastiest “backroom” eateries on the planet.