Reality Bytes and Pieces

The Future Looks Bad for Dogs - I hate dog hair on my car upholstery, but it’s still better than cleaning up puppy pizza on the highway.

Spitzer’s Slut Sucks, and Sings - High-priced whore sells cheap music for download. Upload will cost you thousands.

Today is “Steak and B.J. Day” - This is man’s answer to Valentine’s Day. I wonder how Eliot Spitzer is celebrating.

Herpes Halts Horse Races - Something ain’t right in West Virginia, but what else is new?

Bong & Hookah Users Beware - That next hit from the bong might just be the gift that keeps on giving when the high wears-off.

Naked Mayoral Candidate ”Gets Off” - “The San Francisco mayoral candidate who played his guitar naked atop a van outside the San Mateo Event Center during the Democratic Straw Poll last fall escaped a misdemeanor conviction yesterday after jurors disagreed about how many people are needed to constitute a public nuisance…”

UPS Now Goes Both Ways - “United Parcel Service Inc., the world’s largest shipping carrier, said Tuesday its expanded its supplier diversity program to include businesses owned by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender merchants…”

Fat People Are Good Indicators of Impending Economic Doom - Plus-size marketer Erin Moloney says, “[P]lus-size and discount consumers typically cut back on spending early in an economic crunch.” If you see fat people wearing last year’s fashions, it’s time to stock up on canned goods.

Ex-boyfriend Shoots Woman in the Cooch - “Police said a woman was shot in the vagina at her Palmetto Bay home Monday night…” Talk about “beaver hunting.”

Chinese Mom Chops-off Husband’s Wanker, Puts It in Bed with Son - “A Chinese woman killed her husband in his sleep, cut off his penis and placed it in the bed of their six year old son as a warning to him not to be unfaithful…” That’ll send the kid a message he’ll never forget. I hope mom left a microscope.

Oh, the horror. We can’t hear the fish cry like the puppy being thrown over the cliff by a U.S. soldier, but one can only imagine the pain felt by these helpless creatures just milliseconds before they were killed by a rocket propelled grenade.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) hasn’t started a petition yet to demand courts-martial for the U.S. soldiers heard cheering-on the lone Afghan assassin, but if everyone makes a big enough stink about this mass murder of God’s creatures, justice could possibly be served to those who served themselves some tasty lake fish.

How many innocent fish have to die before our troops can come home and enjoy a good night out at Red Lobster? No war for seafood!

“Important Moments in Women’s History … Brought to You by Pornstars” - All I can say is, “God bless America, and Happy Women’s History Month!”

Hillary Clinton, Porn and Pancakes - Gotta love it when MSNothingButClintons screws up when pimping their favorite gal.

“Virginia is [still] for lovers,” but not those who French kiss kids - “State legislators passed a law Saturday that would require adults who French kiss a child younger than 13 to register as a sex offender. Those convicted of tongue-kissing a child would be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. The House of Delegates passed the legislation 96-1 and the Senate 39-0…” The fact that the state legislature convened on a Saturday to pass this bill says there’s something seriously wrong in Virginia. Expect southern states like Alabama and Arkansas to follow suit.

Booted Straight American Idol Contestant Wants to Sing Praises of Homosexuals - “Kady Malloy is the recently eliminated American Idol semifinalist that wants to be a spokesperson for gay rights.  Malloy explained, ‘Well, my best friend is gay.  Freddie Mercury was gay, who’s my idol.  I just think that, you know, you shouldn’t define somebody by their sexuality, and I think that gay people not being able to get married and things like that is just like history repeating itself, and I think that we need to learn from our past…’” I’d like to see this ditz tag team with the Miss South Carolina who’s concerned about “U.S. Americans” who “don’t have maps.” The WWE could use a few more genius Divas to raise awareness for the harmful effects of beauty on brains.

Muslims believe in mircaulous power of sheep, not Jesus - In 2004, Muslims flocked to worship a sheep that was born with a marking resembling the Arabic word for “Allah.” Then, there’s this documentary showing that Muslims don’t believe Jesus is the Messiah and the crucifixion never happened. Call me crazy, but I think Muslims are just bitter that Jesus never promised whordes of virgins to those who self-detonate in public places.

April 18 is “Poop for Peace Day” - Mark your calendars. Eat plenty of prunes. Get creative. The fate of the world rests in your bowels.

Man eats pet food, gets paycheck - “I have trained my palate to look for materials that we will not allow in the recipe, such as tripe - pet owners react badly to the smell of tripe. I’m looking for a patè texture, almost to the point where you could spread it on crusty bread…” I like this idea as an employment opportunity for the homeless.

Michael Bolton Almost Gets Naked for Charity - The best thing he did for this charity ad was keeping his trenchcoat on while his wife, Nicollette Sheridan bared her ass. The lucky beneficiaries of the semi-nude couple’s charitable act — Paul Newmann’s Hole in the Wall Gang Camp.

Old, Black “Bitches” Get No Love - “To the uninitiated, the idea seems so strange — doggie discrimination? But among those in animal rescue circles, the phenomenon is commonplace enough to have earned its own name: “black dog syndrome…’” 

Homosexual Candidate Predicted to Run for Prez in 2012 - “The GLBT political groups ought to make it a priority to find the best Republican and Democratic candidates to run next time around. Aside from the historical aspect, it would be amazing publicity. Each time a gay candidate walked on stage to debate, it would be worth millions of dollars of free advertising for the GLBT movement. I can’t think of a better investment and use of our advocacy dollars…” What’s the matter, Hillary doesn’t qualify?

Botswana: Still No Condoms for Prisoners - “Although there have been reported cases of prisoners engaging in unlawful sexual activities that expose them to the risk of HIV/AIDS, prison authorities insist they cannot distribute condoms to inmates…”

Latvia approves Nazi march - “A Latvian parliamentary official said authorities in the capital of Riga have approved an event to honor Latvians who fought alongside the Nazis. The authorities gave their approval to veterans group Daugavas Vanagi to stage a March 16 street march to commemorate former Latvian soldiers that fought for the Nazis and Waffen-SS during World War II, RIA Novosti, a Russian news agency, reported Friday…” Nothing like re-kindling the flames of hate when things are starting to get back on track for this former Soviet-bloc nation.

U.C. Berkeley Student Newspaper Extols the Virtues of Internet Porn - “The thing is, we learn a lot from porn. I don’t mean where babies come from-I’m talking about everything they don’t teach you in sex-ed: in other words, the good stuff. Sure, a lot of that comes from hearsay (read: your friends’ older siblings), but chances are you’ve also picked up a technique or two from your good pal, the Internet…”

Lesbian dodgeball, anyone? - I would have thought the “Flaming Moe’s” would be title contenders, but I guess there’s some fierce competition in this lesbian dodgeball league.

Obama Doesn’t Appeal to “Archie Bunker” Voters - “‘Race played a significant factor in Ohio,’ said Cuyahoga County (Ohio) Commissioner Timothy Hagan, who supported Obama. ‘These people are not necessarily bigots, but the image they see every day of black America is drugs, crime, guns and violence…’” Blacks had nothing to do with promoting that negative stereotype (Insert sarcasm). And, when there are smart black guys on television, they call them “Urkel” and “Carlton Banks” and mock them as being weak and sell-outs to their race as blacks laugh approvingly. But go ahead, blame the white media and entertainment industry for portraying blacks in a negative light. Rapper 50-Cent is really just a clean-cut, decent guy whose gangsta personna was created by white recording industry executives to sell albums, right?

Austrian City Seeks Naked People - If you’re willing to drop your trousers, then Vienna awaits your arrival — and, the national railway will provide free transportation for 2,008 willing participants in a naked artistic exposition.

Squirrels Harass Owl In Buffalo Grove - A peaceful neighborhood was so disturbed in the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday that residents called the police to investigate, only to find two squirrels harassing an owl. Taxpayer dollars hard at work. God bless America and the idiots who live in the “home of the brave.”

Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) continues his campaign of confusion with this “Obama 2008 St. Patrick’s Day” t-shirt. Note use of the shamrock as an apostrophe below. Talk about an imposter! But wait! According to a May 3, 2007 FOX News report, Obama has Irish roots. Be sure not to remind Paddy O’Bama that his middle name is “Hussein.”

This is how we do it - A nice pictorial of African soldiers who have watched one-too-many bad American movies involving gangbangers gettin’ it done on the streets.

You’re cut-off, fatty! - Is your tubby kid watching too much Teletubbies? A nifty new device will turn of the tube when Tubby’s been sitting on his ass eating cookies for too long.

Saudi uncle beheads toddler in supermarket - “‘He chopped off the boy’s head in front of the mother to get back at her,’ a police officer was quoted as saying. The mother fainted and was taken to hospital…”

I just snotted in your food - The Washington, D.C. restaurant association must be mighty pissed-off by this ad.

Hey kids! Wanna play TSA asshats? - When I grow up, I wanna be an annoying high school dropout on a power trip.

Aussie military to mimic The Village People - 80 festive soldiers in the Australian armed forces will participate in Sydney’s predominantly gay-themed Mardi Gras parade for the first time on Sunday. Ain’t that just fab?

Middle school kids swap nude cellphone camera pix - Should I be surprised that the kids live in Alabama? I just hope they weren’t cousins or brother and sister.