Reality Bytes and Pieces

“Important Moments in Women’s History … Brought to You by Pornstars” - All I can say is, “God bless America, and Happy Women’s History Month!”

Hillary Clinton, Porn and Pancakes - Gotta love it when MSNothingButClintons screws up when pimping their favorite gal.

“Virginia is [still] for lovers,” but not those who French kiss kids - “State legislators passed a law Saturday that would require adults who French kiss a child younger than 13 to register as a sex offender. Those convicted of tongue-kissing a child would be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by up to one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. The House of Delegates passed the legislation 96-1 and the Senate 39-0…” The fact that the state legislature convened on a Saturday to pass this bill says there’s something seriously wrong in Virginia. Expect southern states like Alabama and Arkansas to follow suit.

Booted Straight American Idol Contestant Wants to Sing Praises of Homosexuals - “Kady Malloy is the recently eliminated American Idol semifinalist that wants to be a spokesperson for gay rights.  Malloy explained, ‘Well, my best friend is gay.  Freddie Mercury was gay, who’s my idol.  I just think that, you know, you shouldn’t define somebody by their sexuality, and I think that gay people not being able to get married and things like that is just like history repeating itself, and I think that we need to learn from our past…’” I’d like to see this ditz tag team with the Miss South Carolina who’s concerned about “U.S. Americans” who “don’t have maps.” The WWE could use a few more genius Divas to raise awareness for the harmful effects of beauty on brains.

Muslims believe in mircaulous power of sheep, not Jesus - In 2004, Muslims flocked to worship a sheep that was born with a marking resembling the Arabic word for “Allah.” Then, there’s this documentary showing that Muslims don’t believe Jesus is the Messiah and the crucifixion never happened. Call me crazy, but I think Muslims are just bitter that Jesus never promised whordes of virgins to those who self-detonate in public places.

April 18 is “Poop for Peace Day” - Mark your calendars. Eat plenty of prunes. Get creative. The fate of the world rests in your bowels.

Man eats pet food, gets paycheck - “I have trained my palate to look for materials that we will not allow in the recipe, such as tripe - pet owners react badly to the smell of tripe. I’m looking for a patè texture, almost to the point where you could spread it on crusty bread…” I like this idea as an employment opportunity for the homeless.

Church Promotes “30-Day Sex Challenge” - “People are not having enough sex. An epidemic of breakups prove the needs that lead to a great sex life are being overlooked. Dirty dishes, frumpy clothes, and a lack of authentic connections are killing the romance. A great sex life is a challenge and takes focus, determination, and planning. Some say it’s an unrealistic goal, but we disagree. We believe you can have a great sex life, in fact we believe God wants you to have a great sex life…” Still not a believer? Watch the promotional video.

British Trannies Sue Pizza Hut - “Michael Kemp, 48, who was dressed in women’s clothes including a miniskirt told the Daily Mail: ‘A male member of staff approached us with a big smirk on his face and, when we asked for a table, he told us that the restaurant had run out of pizzas and told us to try somewhere else…”

Obama’s Website Translated into Ebonics - I clicked the “dialectize” button, but I still don’t know what the heck he’s talking about when he says we need to embrace “CHANGE.”

Cynthia McKinney Is the Only 100% Black Presidential Candidate - Ain’t no cream in this coffee.

Speaking of Cynthia McKinney - She’s one “hot ghetto mess.”

KKK Recruitment Message - “We are the Ku Klux Klan of the 21^st century. Today the KKK still stands for the unity of all white Christians.  We don’t hate other people or other races…” Oh, sure. You guys are just misunderstood. If people only got a chance to know the guys under the hoods… uh-huh.

Gene Simmons Sex Tape - First “Screech,” now this nasty old geezer … What’s next, Urkell? I haven’t watched it, but it’s here if you want it.

Kool-Aid Kicks - Reebok’s cure for stinky feet just might smell better than it tastes when mixed with human foot sweat.

Solar-powered Sex Toys - What happens when you stick ’em where the sun don’t shine?

Substance Abuse Test - Take a stab at this test to see if you or someone you love is prone to abusing drugs or becoming an alcoholic. Chances are, you’ll fail.

90 Day Jane Is a Fraud! - Turns out, it was a a joke. And, we’re supposed to be surprised …

The Menstruation Blues - Lovely little jingle from a handsome Aussie womyn.

“Ground Control to Major Jesus” - There’s apparently one thing Tom Cruise hasn’t told us about Scientology … Jesus is the commander of the spaceship.

It always amazes me how easy the televangelists and mega-church pastors make it sound to achieve eternal salvation by opening up your wallet and dialing a toll-free number on your television screen.

Just watch the following message from the Paula White Ministries, which one must assume came directly from God above, and you’ll scratch your head in disbelief and amazement as Ms. White encourages viewers to empty their pockets in exchange for her empty promise that God will reward suckers (I mean, “believers”) with “prosperity” and “success” if they act right now. 

According to the sexy Ms. White, “God claims the First Fruits of anything! It rightfully belongs to Him in His divine order, from the first day of the week (Sabbath) to the first of our harvest - be it the wages for the first hour, the first day, the first week or first month.”

For those of you unfamiliar with the term “first fruits,” she’s talking about your first few paychecks of the new year, and not a batch of tomatoes in your garden come the first harvest — because we all know that God can use the money and never goes hungry.

But wait, there’s more! If you act blindly now, Paula White Ministries will throw in Ms. White’s new book and her latest Jesus Jams CD. That’s not all folks. It seems that Ms. White believes she also has the power to “save souls” and “heal the sick.” Yep, when you send in your hard earned pay to Ms. White, you also qualify to receive a lifetime supply of free miracles.

Sound to good to be true? How, you ask, could a normal human being be so powerful and in touch with God to make such lofty promises? Is she a prophet or an angel?

According to Ms. White’s bio on her website, “[A]t the age of five Paula’s little world was thrown into a tailspin when her father committed suicide. The sudden loss of her father affected her entire family. While various members of the household tried to cope with the grief and loss, Paula’s cries for love were muffled by sexual and physical abuse from the ages of 6 to 13. At the age of eighteen, Paula was introduced to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Shortly after Paula surrendered her life to the Lord, she received a divine visitation in which God gave her a vision of multitudes of millions of people as far as her eyes could see. In the vision, every time she opened her mouth and began to declare the Word of the Lord, there was a visible manifestation of the power of God – souls were saved, the sick were healed, and the broken were restored. Conversely, when she was silent, people began to fall into utter darkness. In her finite mind she could not adequately quantify or enumerate the sea of humanity that she saw…but, since that time, Paula has kept the goal of 10 million souls to remind her of the awesome responsibility — yet achievable mission — of winning multiple souls for Christ.”

Time is running out. You must act now if you want to struggle with your monthly bills, feed Ms. White’s ego and encourage her delusions of grandeur, receive her free book and Jesus Jams CD, and qualify for a lifetime of miracles performed on your behalf. Accept no imitations! Operators are standing by. Visa and Mastercard accepted. 

White Castle Valentines Day - “Make a reservation at the Castle. Then make your move.” Yea, nothing quite tells the girl of your dreams how much you love and appreciate her like a dozen belly-bombers and a side of fries.

Little Pet Project - “Little Pet Project is a community of citizens who’s reasons for joining are diverse: they range from those who just want to see stunning beauties half naked, to dedicated animal welfare advocates. We welcome you all- it will take all of us to make a difference.”

Faith-based F#$k!ng - “Hookers for Jesus is a nondenominational, faith-based organization reaching out to men and women who are currently associated with or working as prostitutes, porn stars, pimps, and exotic dancers. Our vision includes promoting spiritual, emotional, and physical wellness in the lives of those who have been affected by sexual trauma and related forms of abuse in the adult entertainment industry.  Our desire is to work with community, state, and nationwide organizations to develop networking opportunities to assist these women to successfully transition out of the industry and experience new life in Christ.”

Gay Truckers Association - “The GTA is an organization that was founded to meet the needs of those working in the trucking industry and those who support and admire these professionals.” Okay, I’ve seen it all. I don’t think this is what the Grateful Dead was singing about, but “Truckin” will never sound the same again with the knowledge of this group in my mind.

Hate Yourself 364 Days a Year - “Love Your Body Day is October 15.” I guess it’s not in this group’s budget to foster self-appeciation throughout the year.

Bare Your Buns for Jesus - “What is a Christian naturist? As Christians we uphold the moral values taught by our savior Jesus Christ while as naturists we enjoy being nude in a non-sexual, non-erotic way. In short, we are committed to an international, Christian, family centered, natural and naturist set of core values.” These people make Scientologists seem sane … and, sexy.

Blueprint for Southern Independence - This isn’t a joke! These wackjobs actually want to secede from the United States and found a redneck utopia. By their own estimation, “Southern independence is not only desirable but likely.” Keep dreaming, Bubba!